The Unhealthiest Habit…Owned

When I wrote my How to be Bad at Blogging post, I was very aware of what brought me to my blogging lapses. It’s actually one of the things about myself I am most aware. But it seemed too…taboo   crazy   honest   abnormal..to talk about.

‘Cuz the thing is – I have a huge lag between knowing the right thing to do and actually doing the right thing.

I seem to have perpetual procrastination. I think I feel comfort in not having something done.

Finishing is scary. Because what’s next?

Waiting.

And it kills me.

 

Yes, there is always waiting in incompletion. But it’s all resting on my shoulders, not free-falling into the universe, waiting for someone else to decide whether to accept or reject my project, blog, comment, picture, idea, etc etc. Sometimes it’s easier for me to put off knowing whether my completion will mean success or failure.

Because waiting to do is sometimes easier than waiting to fail.

 

This is one of my unhealthiest habits and it eats up every part of my life.

working out.
applying for jobs.
waking up.
responding to emails.
commenting on blogs.
dealing with relationships.

I actually know this about myself.

 

But the worst part? I know that most of you might read this and think “How could you be like that?!”

Most of you are planners by nature.
Most of you like being in control.
Most of you feel a sense of release and happiness by crossing the “To Do’s” off your list.

 

I mean…it’s not that I  don’t feel a thrill in accomplishing. And if you want me to be completely honest with you…

 

My procrastination is more than just putting it off.
It’s a piece of my perfectionism.

I don’t post because I’m waiting for just. the. right. time.

I didn’t turn in the cover letter because it’s just not good enough.
I’m not responding to the email because it deserves more of my attention.
I haven’t told him what I needed to say because I can’t word it right.

 

See, the anxiety is my friend.
Something I know how to handle.

I’m just like that quote we all grew up with:
The one that says failure is less scary than success and that complacency is our safe place.
It goes against all my intution to post this – in a community of perfectionists dedicated to taking every measure possible – and I’m aware of this marketing mistake.

 

But my sorry excuse for explanations are not worth as much as me just telling the truth.
SOMETIMES I DON’T DO IT WHEN IT’S HARD.  SOMETIMES I’M TOO AFRAID OF FAILING TO TRY AT ALL. SOMETIMES I PICK THE EASY WAY OUT.

I know the difference between doing it right and doing it wrong.

..and sometimes…I pick wrong.

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5 thoughts on “The Unhealthiest Habit…Owned

  1. I pick wrong all the time. I am also far from the one who strives to be perfect – its just way to much pressure for me. I take things and do things as they come and that seems to be the best anxiety-harnessing way to do it!

  2. “I seem to have perpetual procrastination. I think I feel comfort in not having something done.”

    I don’t know if we can blame it on genetics, because our little sister seems to finish tasks before she starts them. She left for college four weeks ago and I swear she already has more credits completed than my four years combined. I don’t know if we can blame it on our upbringing, because our Mom has always been a ‘DOer’ by nature. All I know is whatever you’ve got, I’ve got it too. Meaning the only logical conclusion is:

    #blameitontippy
    http://mmmstories.com/2011/02/21/my-favorite-little-guy/

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